depression?

so, this is pretty funny actually. i am now, uh, really really grounded. because of a phone bill. apparently people went on myspace too much, and the total came to $3,416.44. but my dad said there was some extra, so its about $4,000. 

so as a punishment, my dad said im not allowed to wear black, not allowed to wear jewelry, not allowed

 to have my ipod, not allowed to have my phone, not allowed to go on the computer for any reason (including homework), and not allowed to leave the house for anything but school. im pretty much being put under major lock down. yea, like thats any different from the rest of my life. i dont usually go out, and me not being able to do anything doesnt change it. 

like the bloody marks on my arms and legs will ever fade. they make it worse with each time that they look at me, or when they tell me that they love me. its because i cant begin to try to believe them. they love me because im their daughter. but i cant seem to do anything right for them. i try to do everything they want me to do, but it never seems to be enough. my life is just a spiraling staircase heading further and further towards the basement that my soul is trapped in. i know who i am, vaguely. i dont really want to live anymore, yet i know i am needed and i would hurt too many people if i went through my suicide thoughts. its not that i enjoy pain, its that ive done it so many times that i cant feel it anymore. what more is one, or the thirty to sixty cuts that i have? and yes, i know its that many. ive counted. about thirty five on my wrist, and more on my legs. very few people help, no matter how many try. 

 

and this is just a picture of me and my everlasting boredom.